What
happens when you want to ask a friend out on a date,
but you're scared you'll hear, "No, thanks"? What
can you do when potential mates think of you less
like a lover and more like a brother? This time
out, we address the issue of what happens when you're
perceived to be more fit for friendship than dating.
It
all started with a letter from a Tools reader named
Max, who wrote:
What
can you do when women--all women--seem to think
of you as nothing more than a friend? I mean, being
friends is good, but I'd like to get into a relationship
at *some* point in my life...
First
of all, Max, don't be too hard on yourself. Being
'just friends' is an all too common problem these
days when, more than ever, fewer people actually
go out on dates, opting instead simply to 'hang
out,' pick up a coffee, or take in a movie, all
the while acting as if there's no date happening.
The line between dating and just hanging around
is blurry--and that's where your dilemma starts.
When
You Become Like a Brother To Her
Have
you ever noticed that friends often don't arouse
strong romantic feelings in some of us? They may
seem perfect in all sorts of ways: funny, great
to be around, smart, trustworthy, similar, and familiar.
But no matter how hard we try, they just don't arouse
strong romantic feeling in us? This is what I'd
like to call the Brother Phenomenon, as when women
say to you, "Oh. I could never go out with you--you're
like a brother to me." And you know what happens
when you go out with your brother. Taboo city. Maybe
this is why women can't seem to get past the friendship
phase with you.
I
think this phenomenon occurs because people linger
too long in the getting-to-know- you phase, without
getting clear right away about whether their time
together are 'real dates' or 'just hanging out.'
Haven't you ever felt the initial rush of interest
for a new friend, but then suppressed those feelings
because you thought that she didn't act interested?
But it could be that she felt passion for you, way
back when you first started hanging out. You just
couldn't see it. Time passed, and now you're like
a brother to her. She's known you so long--as nothing
more than a friend--and you're no longer romantically
exciting. Get the picture?
Get
Out of the Rut--Fast
So
what can you do to stop becoming a brother and start
being a lover? Don't dawdle too long at the friendship
stage. If your friend has any romantic feelings
for you at all, you'll have to take advantage of
the window of opportunity. Ask early, or be prepared
to miss the chance.
Picking
the right time is essential: somewhere after the
"getting to know you" stage but before she starts
telling you about all the men she's really interested
in. When she starts confiding, "I had an awful date
last night," be ready to step in right away, and
tell her how you feel about her.
Making
the switch from friends to lovers isn't easy. You
might not be up to the challenge since it is risky.
What if you lose the relationship entirely? That
might happen. But if yours is a good friendship,
it will survive. And don't the potential gains outweigh
the risks? Just do it. Otherwise, you'll always
be stuck as a brother, wishing the man she dates
were you.
Mix
'n Match Copyright (c) 2001 OneandOnly.com Inc.
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