What's
a reliable way to know if someone's right for you?
There isn't one. How do you know for sure if you're
ready to settle down? Who knows? Believe me, I've
been trying to figure out these issues for myself
for some time now, and it is difficult. Who hasn't
had a nagging feeling like, "Is this the one for
me?" Maybe you've got a great relationship going
until you finally get down to the decision to move
in together. Then you get weak-kneed, anxious, and
stressed. Or what about marriage: "Oh my god! Marriage!
Is that where we're headed?"
Here's a question from a MatchScene reader that
really addresses the sticky situation of trying
to decide whether a lover is the right one:
Mensch_Wench
writes: "I'm supposed to be engaged. I'm living
with the guy and we'll get married. We're both 50
so I guess it's just routine, but, as I keep telling
him, I don't marry every guy I date, so this is
a big deal for me. I can't tell if I'm suffering
from settling-down fever and I'm not used to it
or if he really isn't it. I want something to happen
soon. When I ask, he says, "Of course..." It's obvious
to him that we're it, together, forever, etc. So
why am I still reading Match.Com and why am I writing
this note?"
Move
up the Commitment Ladder
OK, Mensch_Wench, here's the deal. It isn't clear
to you that you and your fiancé are "it, together,
forever." That doesn't mean that he's not the one
for you. It just means that it isn't obvious to
you. Let me just say here that this uncertainty
in the face of increasing levels of commitment is
common. In fact, your future husband might at this
very moment be wondering, "Is she the one for me?
What horrible feelings! I can't let her know my
doubt!"
For many of us, each step up the commitment ladder
is tough--whether it is marriage, deciding to move
in together, or even deciding to date just one person.
As you point out, you don't marry every guy you
date and that this is a "big deal" for you. And
it should be. Even at age 50, marriage is never
"just routine."
Sometimes
the Most Wonderful Things Aren't Initially Clear
to Us
So
how do you decide which it really is: "settling
down fever" or wondering whether "he really isn't
it?" Let's look first at 'settling down fever.'
If you have some last minute jitters, that doesn't
mean that you shouldn't get married. You need to
examine what that "fever" is all about. You may
already be in a great relationship, but for some
reason you can't quite feel its benefits. Sometimes
the most wonderful things aren't at first clear
to us. We live through rough patches with lovers,
jobs, and friendships that have ended, but only
later discover just how positive their effects have
been on our lives. Maybe as you make the move to
get married, you see only the bad, little of the
good. You might think that commitment means a loss
of 'freedom' or 'passion' or 'spontaneity' or of
love itself. So you might have a good thing with
your fiancé that your "settling down fever" obscures.
On
the other hand, maybe "he really isn't it." What
would it be like if he really weren't the one? Of
course, only you can know this, but here are some
starter thoughts. Would you feel sad? Angry? Hateful?
Or could you feel that way even if you were madly
in love? (My bet is that we can all feel such strong
negative emotions about our partners.) Are you worried
that the love will dry up? Why did you get engaged
in the first place? Maybe you believe you have 'too
many' issues to work out between you? There's no
fun there? No passion? You might be downright wrong
for each other. Are you dragging out a process that
you should have ended long ago just because you're
scared to end it?
The
Consequences of Upping the Ante on Love
How
is it possible to know beforehand what sort of relationship
you've got? It doesn't really matter until you realize
that when you up the ante in love, you up both the
positive and negative consequences. Any change in
you and your partner's level of commitment can lead
you to feel more of the greatest love and warmth
you've ever experienced in your life. And subsequently
you increase the chance that you'll endure the most
profound rejection and pain you've ever imagined.
Here
are just a few of the emotions you might feel when
you go from dating many to dating one; from seeing
each other five nights a week to living together;
from being a couple to getting engaged; and from
engagement to marriage and beyond: Joy. Panic. Contentment.
Sadness. Glee! Boredom. Relief. Indifference. Anger!
Satisfaction. Terror. Peace. Anxiety. Dread. Fulfillment.
Repression...you get the idea.
Talk
to Your Partner
Notice
that these feelings can't all be just wrapped up
in a tidy little package. They're messy, complicated.
Worse, you experience them all at the same time.
Here's my advice: If you're fairly secure in your
relationship, perhaps you could sit down and talk
with your partner in the same honest way you've
written me. Mensch_Wench, you're making a great
leap--acknowledge it. Then, if you can trust your
partner with some heavy stuff, let him know that
you might be suffering from "settling down fever"
Honesty
is important in any long term relationship, so why
not let your future spouse know that you've wondered
whether "he really isn't it." Who knows, maybe he'll
tell you that he, too, was worried just like you
are, but that he got over it. Maybe he'll even tell
you how he resolved his concerns and you'll feel
greatly relieved--like it was just "settling down
fever" all along. Or maybe you'll find out that
he doesn't really want to be married, but couldn't
bring himself to tell you.
Either
way, as you up the ante on your relationship, it
is time to talk. Maybe what you find out can help
you get clear on the next step to take, whether
it's up another level, or down the back stairs and
out the door.
Mix
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